Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Fine Line Between Pleasure and Pain

US$24? For two hours massage? Two hours? When you hear an offer like that, you know its got to be at least worth considering. It was before 5.00pm too, so I was afforded the 30% discount. One 2 hour massgae thanks. I was abbout to "be loved, long time!".

I was pushed into the change area as quick as you could say "massage" and was told to get changed by a man in pristine white gym shoes, white shorts and white shirt. I had heard on the grapevine that this was the hotel spa that offered "happy endings" to its male customers, so I didn't expect men to greet me - and I certainly didn't expect the starch white get up.

I went into a standard massage room and quietly wondered what kind of things had "gone down" in the room (so to speak). A Vietname girl wearing a tiny skirt came in and she looked pretty unenthusiastic. Looking back, getting a female customer would mean not earning the maximum amount possible - the customer's gender being the reason. Either that, or she wasn't excited by the prospect of giving a 2 hour massage.

In short, she was terrible. She'd give my shoulders a squeeze, she'd attempt "incy wincy spider" on my back, and she'd massage unevenly. By then, even I was not impressed with the concept of staying there for 2 hours. Nevertheless, it has been a long day and I figured that, worse case scenario, I could pretend she wasn't there and sleep.

That was all good and well until she climbed up onto me (I was face down) and stamped right on my thoracic spine - yes, the spine that had been fractured only 5 months ago. Next thing I knew, I had a Vietnanese girl marching up and down my body, from my feet right to my neck. What I had failed to notice when I walked in was the steel bar that was attached to the roof of the massage room. She wasn't relying too heavily on the bar to hold up her weight either - I was receiving the full impact of a crazy, Vietnamese romper stomper and it was frightening!! I couldn't get up because she was too busy playing "balance beam" up and down my back and to be honest, I was scared about how she would react if I told her to get off me.

I sit here now, a day later, brusied from my ankles to my neck. Thankfully, no apparent damage was done to my spine and I can now laugh about it - but heck, it was terrifying! I didn't have the heart to tell her she sucked at her job (pardon the pun, there!), so I gave her a tip of ten bucks and ran like hell out of there.

I can now say that it brought a whole new meaning to "happy ending". The only happy ending I received was the one where she stopped massaging and said "meeez, I finish".

And that ending was the happiest one I'd had in a long time!

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