Friday, April 30, 2010


Some verses from Madonna's "Frozen".....

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

Thursday, April 29, 2010

A Letter to My Family and Friends

Dear all,

(My family say I share too much personal stuff on this blog, but sorry guys, this is important)

Over the last four weeks, I have had to embark on the scariest of journeys. I don't know whether any of my readers can relate to this, but I reached a point where I found myself both physically and mentally realising that I simply could not go on like I had been.

It was completely and utterly normal for everyone to look at my life from the outside and see that I had just about everything my heart desired. An incredibly prestigious job, one that probably should have been performed by someone well beyond my years. I had a good looking boyfriend who I travelled the world with. I had a luxury apartment in an exotic foreign country. My bank account was being piled with money. On weekends I would stay at the most luxurious hotels in tropical locations. I had my photography and blog and I was able to communicate across the world to anyone remotely interested in my life just how wonderful life was.

The truth is that, over the last 12 months, I have never felt so empty, confused, robotic and disconnected from my life. I could not see where my future was heading. I was attempting to create a future but I couldn't see the next steps ahead of me clearly. For every negative emotion I felt, I was able to intellectually rationalise it - "you're just away from home", "you're just lonely", "its just because you are growing up", "its just because you haven't integrated into life here in Singapore", "oh, it was the horse riding accident", "its just a tough time at work at the moment", "its just that you are carrying extra weight"..... on and on and on came the excuses.

You see, when you are an intelligent person, you can rationalise your way out of just about everything - except what it is that you are feeling deep down to the core of your heart and soul.

You can buy yourself just about every self help book imaginable so that you can improve "this" or "that" and if you highlight enough of the important passages in the text, you may come away with a little bit of enlightenment and a little bit more confidence. However, no book, no motivational quote, no pay rise, no new job offer, no new boyfriend will EVER hide whatever it is that your heart and soul is really trying to tell you. And for as long as you turn your mind away from the truth, by reading books, or taking a path that "kind of" gets you there, you will remain restless and unhappy.

I had become deeply unhappy and I had become numb to absolutely everything around me. Even coming home to see my gorgeous little nieces didn't incite that thrill or love that I wanted so desperately to feel for them. And sadly, as much as it pains me to say it, seeing my boyfriend, my international man of mystery no longer filled me with love and passion. I was laying in Egyptian cotton hotel sheets and feeling like I was sleeping on a bed of nails.

I reached what is known as a 'Growth Fork' - two mutually exclusive paths ahead of my and my challenge was to firstly, have to courage to acknowledge the two paths, and then to decide which path to take. Growth Forks can cause your personal growth to stall, sometimes for years, they say. People sit, absorbed for hundreds of hours to figure out the right decision, and still feel unsure about what to do. You can use all of the different diagnostic and analytical tools to help you decide. You can consult your intuition. You can ask for advice. You can think some more. And at the end of the day, you can end up with ambivalence.

I have often been accused of being too impulsive, but it was first my impulse to get up and get home to Australia, and then it was some space to clear my head, that assisted me to make a decision as to which of the mutually exclusive paths I needed to take.

I needed a break from my career. I needed a break from the everyday world of material existence. I needed a break from my own selfishness. I needed to reach into my heart and soul and truly ask myself what mattered to me right now, right this minute. I decided that I needed to set myself free from my own expectations, and to some extent, the expectations of others that had built up over time.

Choosing to leave your job, your boyfriend, your life and risk yourself financially is not an easy decision to make. And believe me, I have gone through each and every consequence of my decision, over and over again, and I am well aware that what I intend to do over the next 12 months is a scary, daring and ambitious thing, particularly at an age where many of my friends are settling down and marrying, having children, developing their careers further. I know that what I am going to do will have consequences and I am not going into this without considering those consequences. Yes, it will financially set me back. Yes, it will stall my amazing, growing career as a powerful legal counsel.

However, for every consequence that I recognise that I face, I reach into my heart and my soul and I realise that no matter what, i will be okay. Its called having trust and confidence within yourself to know that regardless of whatever challenge comes your way, you'll find a way to make it out.

Deep down, I have known for a very long time that I needed to reach one of those mutually exclusive forks in the road and I have known for a very long time that I would choose the path that I am taking now. It just has taken me time to reach a point where I could recognise that the Growth Fork had arrived.

Accepting this path is giving rise to some interesting emotions. Relief, that I've finally made the decision, that the pressure that I've carried for over eight years is now off my shoulders. Excitement, that I am embarking on a journey to parts of the world that may be considered as dangerous and volatile. And there is a great deal of anxiety and fear about what the next 12 months will bring - I am only human. I am not superwoman. But I am a (nearly) 30 year old woman who has been brought up to be strong, sensible and smart.

I may not know what is ahead, but I can at least now say that I can see my path a lot clearer than when I was searching for it in amongst the Gucci shops and Hilton Hotels.

I know that this has come as a shock to many people. I know there are some people who do not agree with what I have done. I know that I may be disappointing a lot of people who believed that I was far better off continuing to climb the corporate ladder. I may resume that climb in a year or two, but for now, I ask for support and faith that whatever happens in the next 12 months, I will be okay - in fact, for the first time in almost 10 years, I may actually be happy.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Madness Amongst the Crazy

This is a shout out to Loz - we get along so well because he reminds me that there are crazier people in this world than me - ie. him.

"All this talk of getting older,
its getting me down, my love,
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown,
This time i'm going down
I hope you think of me.
As you lie down on your side,
Now the drugs dont work
They just make it worse,
but I know I'll see your face again....."

Taking Time Out For Me

Since walking away from my job, I have had plenty of time to reflect on my future, and to give my "academic" side of my brain a rest for the time being. Low and behold, I have almost become obsessed with art projects and find myself working on them from morning to night.

This was one of my first projects - a three series set which really doesnt have much meaning to it, just that it looks good! Its that interior designer part in me that worked on this.

I then started on paintings that took a South East Asian flavour to it. I made a series of them, and have given some away to people who have come and visited me.

These two pieces reflected my mood at the time... at the time, the blue symbolised a calmness, and the purple symbolised a quiet peacefulness within....

Again, this piece took on a South East Asian flavour and reminds me of some of the work I saw in Bali. It kind of took a life of its own, starting with the circle in the middle.... its one of my favourite pieces.

These three pieces show the process of a woman mending her heart. The heart severed, the heart mending and the heart full. The words are personal to me, but they basically ask the many questions that we all ask as women, as we are in each stage of the ending of a relationship.

I realised that my art was becoming a sort of therapy for me. I found myself cutting out words that I felt associated with my feelings towards my profession at the moment. Sure, this feeling wont last forever, but it is quite a telling piece of art work - that I have become disenchanted with my profession and that its time for a rest.

This piece of art shows a hand mirror, and shattered glass. And in amongst the shattered glass, there is a question mark. It is me saying "what is my identity now?" It asks "am I who I thought I was?" And "Will I recognise myself later down the track?"

This started off being a picture found at Gloria Jeans coffee shop while waiting for my coffee. This little girls picture was in one of their pamphlets. It then became a piece which writes a verse from Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror", lyrics which I have always felt were quite powerful, and now have even more meaning.

I had a little bit of fun time, trying my hand at Aboriginal Art!!!!

A reminder that, no matter how much fear comes my way, I am indeed brave (the glue on the side hadnt yet dried!)

My Three Core Values - Grace, Integrity, and Honesty.

This piece of work is in Mandarin, and it says "Courage". It shows three stars by its side, which represent what the Chinese consider as a number that represent "birth".

My wonderful, amazing new friend Laurence surprised me by bringing to me a big canvas. One night, just after dinner, I grabbed charcoal and produced this piece of artwork, one I will treasure forever because I have never drawn before like this in my life. It represents a vulnerable girl, looking out at the world, not knowing what is out there, waiting for her.

And finally, a bit of a hawaiian feel!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Lest We Forget

ANZAC Day, 25 April 2010

They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.

(A huge shout out to Ruth, my good friend, who has made the trek to Gallipoli, Turkey, for the ANZAC Day Service)

Just Wanna Be Happy

I know, I'm not doing too much original work at the moment, but this song is giving me a huge load of inspiration at the moment....

"Happy", Leona Lewis

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything
Don’t cha take chances
Might feel the pain
Don’t cha love in vain
Cause love won’t set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Verse 2:
Holding on tightly
Just cant let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
All these days I feel like they’re the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
I can’t stand by your side, ohh no
Watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

So and it’s just that I can’t see
The kind of stranger on this road
But don’t say victim
Don’t say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy

Another Amazing Quote from "Eat, Pray, Love

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life...

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

See You When You're 40

"So see me when your 40, lost and all alone
being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know
not sad because you lost me
but sad because you thought it was cool to be sad

You think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd
well if you had walked past me today I wouldn't have picked you out
I wouldn't have picked you out."

Friday, April 23, 2010

Even the Brave Get Afraid

Today is a low day. I sit here, unemployed, having walked away from what was perceived to be a dream job, having left what appeared on the outside to be a dream order to follow my true dreams.

Being a blank canvas is scary. I don't know what I will become. I dont know what the future has in store for me. No one knows, but God.

Setting yourself free isn't as liberating as you think. You're still enclosed by fear of some sort. I guess I just need to accept that feeling, and run with it.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Ready To Talk About It....

I wont go into too much detail about what has happened over the last month or so. There are some details about my life that really are best left off the internet. However, I can explain to you there have been a couple of things which have made me realise that what I thought I believed what the right path in life really actually wasnt what I wanted after all.

Perhaps it came about knowing that my time to turn 30 was edging closer and closer.

Perhaps it came about because I reached a point of exhaustion.

Instead though, I would like to think that it happened after two particular instances.

Firstly, I visited Bali in October. I think that anyone who followed my blog at that time realised just how much Bali touched something inside of me that I could not explain. I tried to write about it in my blog entry called "Life So Empty But Love So Full", but I cant explain just how much that trip to Indonesia affected me. Something changed that day.

The second moment was when I was walking through Sydney Airport, after having left IMOM and my family behind me, ready to go back to Singapore. All of a sudden, I felt lonely, empty, robotic, exhausted and disassociated from everything around me.

I now have decided to dedicate the next twelve months to both volunteering in poverty stricken areas throughout Asia, dedicate time to advance and maybe sell some of my photography - and also achieve 30 challenges in the year of turning 30. Those 30 challenges may be big, they may be small, but over the next couple of months, as my 30th birthday nears, I will make that list. One of them will include the walk to Base Camp, Mount Everest, something I have always dreamed of doing but never believed I'd have the opportunity or time to do.

There is nothing scarier than waking up one day to realise that you are not the person you have the potential to be....

But I've chosen to feel the fear - and do it anyway.


Just keeping you in the loop....

I've dumped my boyfriend.

Quit my job.

Returned to Australia.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Saying Goodbye - IMOM

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better [actually, you could have]
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go


You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye


You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Hi all, this is just to let you know that I am still alive, still well, but am taking some time out for couple of weeks to rest, relax and rejuvenate. I'll be back soon - I may even post every now and then. But hang in there, KateOnTheBike will be back, and who knows, she may just have some HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE news to tell.

Friday, April 2, 2010


Sometimes your slate needs to be wiped absolutely clean in order for you to see your truth.

All of a sudden, all of the things you thought you wanted seem inconsequential, the people you thought you needed appear faceless and all of the ideals you portrayed seem meaningless.

Maybe this is a phase, a stage or a turning point. For all I know, it could be a pipe dream. But as the fog lifts and the haze clears, I can at least see already that my feet are different. As for the rest of me, time will tell. We'll have to wait for the fog to lift further.