Take Me As I Am - For Better and For Worse

I do not blog venomous things on my blog because I do not believe it is the most appropriate forum to do it. After all, my friends and family, my loved ones, come to read this blog to enjoy the great, happy things that go on in my life - and there are, of course, so so so so many of them that happen.

Some strangers read too, and enjoy living life vicariously through my (sometimes) quirky eyes. I enjoy this and I am motivated by this. As someone mentioned the other day to me, I love connecting intellectually with people in my many different creative ways. It is integral to my happiness. Take this away and I feel truly alone and disconnected with the world.

While i do not like to expose my "angry" side, sometimes it is inevitable (and i can just see my mum, dad and the Boy cringing as they read me going absolutely mental on a public forum - sorry guys, stop reading now!).

And on this occasion, the inevitable must occur.

Today, I had some pretty hurtful things said to me. Comments were made about me by someone who barely knows me, yet by someone who has made little effort over the last couple of months to get to know me, ask any questions about who i am, what I do, or my views and thoughts on general things. Yet, somehow, this person felt the need to hurt me by throwing a vile set of sentences at me about what they thought of me in order to justify a means to an end - perhaps to make themselves feel better, I don't know.

There are lots of things in life that I may not ever understand. I may try to analyse it, rationalise it, re-phrase it, or debate it but at the end of the day, sometimes it simply just won't make sense. I understand that. I have let go of the need to make sure that I understand. It took me a while but i am now there. This, however, does not mean I am untouchable and indestructible. Sticks and stones may break my bones (as will horses, so it seems) but hey, guess what - names still do hurt me.

I cannot apologise for who I am. I can apologise for the things I do, and those who know me well (and who have received genuine apologies from me) know that I often do recognise when I am wrong. I admit I am wrong, I show them that I have gone through the necessary thought process needed in order to acknowledge and admit my wrongs. When they get their apology, it is usually comprehensive and they know that I mean business.

I am sensitive. I do take things to heart and I do wear that heart permanently on my sleeve. I won't apologise for that. I am resilient though. Rarely will I remain hurt for too long (even when my heart is broken), and I will roll up my sleeves (even the sleeve that the heart is attached to!) and I will get on with it. I will lift my chin up, no matter how much something hurts, and I will keep on keeping on. In fact, I may even use the circumstance as an opportunity to make myself a better person. I will recognise the necessary lesson involved and take it with me on my journey.

I sometimes think before I speak and that gets me into a little trouble. However, the "speak" will generally be a derivative of a kind heart, not a cold one. I do not go out with the intent to destroy people, belittle them or make them feel like junk about themselves. I guess this blog entry tonight is an example of me probably thinking before I speak. But on this occasion, I dont give a rats backside. I am hurt and I am angry. I can always delete it if i want.

Yes, I strive to be good at everything I do. Yes, on occasions, I show "overconfidence". I guess I must have "overachieved" when I agreed to do that little law degree I got myself. Oh, and the first class in honours? I guess that was me just having way too much overconfidence in myself. And indeed it may be correct that overconfidence has side effects - on this occasion, I suddenly found myself receiving the nasty side effects of academic success - a senior executive position in a global company advising on Asia-Pacific legal matters at the age of 28. Whoops. My bad.

I may not be the best at everything but I am the girl that gets the award for the one that tries the hardest. I won't apologise for that. Those people that care about me have never suggested that I should stop trying my hardest, cease believing in myself or ever giving up. Rather, they have encouraged me, supported me and told me that the sky is the limit. So, do you know what? I am going to keep aiming for the sky, I am going to keep climbing the ladder, I am going to keep telling myself that I am capable of doing anything if I can put my mind to it, and I bet you all a million dollars that the people that truly care for me will be right beside me cheering me along the way. I have a loving, supportive family and I can say with absolute certainty that not a day goes by without them telling me that they are proud of who I am, who I have become and where I am headed. I thank the Lord every night that I can close my eyes knowing that I am loved and cared for by so many people.

Sure, I am fiercely independent. This means that I am more than capable to spending long periods of time on my own, without social interaction and without the need for company. I like it. I get peace from it. My "cave" is my sacred place. This isn't about anyone else other than me. I do not keep myself in solitary confinement to avoid people, I do not deliberately go out of my way to isolate myself to prove a point or to send a message. Rather, I just enjoy time on my own. I always did. My mother took me to a doctor when I was a child because I spent too much time playing on my own instead of socialising with other children. The doctor told my mother to leave me alone.

Regardless of this, I have no problems making friends or keeping friends or re-building friendships. I may not be present all of the time, I may not always put 100% into remaining in contact with people, but I tell you what, if any one of my friends every needed help, they would have absolutely no problems getting help from me. I may not talk to them all of the time, I may not say hello each day, I may not leave facebook messages or send funny little birthday cards each year, but those who are my friends know it, and they know that I am fiercly loyal and unwaivering in my support of them.

I believe in fairness. Fairness to others, fairness to myself. I believe that people should acknowledge when unfair things are pressed upon them, and I expect that people will allow me to do the same. I think that I am a fairly good judge at what is fair and what is not. I like to rectify things in life that are not fair, to the best of my ability and within my remit. I do not intrude into other people's business. I am not a gossip. I like to fence sit and obtain people's viewpoints before giving judgement. I enjoy conciliating and I get a rush by bring two parties in dispute together to reach agreement - I enjoy it and the best thing about it is I sometimes get paid to do it!

Yes, I am passionate. I let my feelings be known if I need to and I try and do it in the most appropriate way. I may not get that right all of the time, but I try. Those who know me and love me understand that and deal with it. I make it a daily task of mine to ensure that I do not step on someone with my boundless energy, belittle them with my viewpoints or ignore their needs. I may sometimes come out with inappropriate statements but they are generally innocent - I simply am not aware of circumstances or cultural differences or society ettiquette. I know when to stop.

I am healthy. I do not do drugs. I do not drink alcohol. I eat my greens. I take my multi-vitamins each day. Sure, I own six (6) tubes of toothpaste but the upside to that is that my teeth are clean. What I am trying to say is that, heaven forbid, I must be doing SOMETHING right if i can manage to get as far as I have in life. I may not be liked by everyone but you know what? I will get over that.

I may get down on myself often (as my family knows) but you know what? I thank God for times like these when I do have hurtful things said about me. Why? Because it gives me an opportunity to take a good look at myself. When I take a good look at myself, I realise that I actually have a great deal of things in my life that are great, amazing, wonderful, brilliant, powerful, honourable, faithful, secure, and full of blessing. My mum, my dad, my sister and brother in law, the little girls, the Boy, my beautiful extended famly, my supportive boss at work, my friends in Australia, my friends who I have met through travel, through this blog, through other means of communication.

Its times like these that I brush the dust and cr*p from my shoulders, pull them back and do the only thing that one can do in these circumstances - keeping doing things BIGGER, BRIGHTER and BETTER.

I'm done.