Today, I ventured into the gym onboard, finally feeling ready to do a little bit of training. I had slept most of the previous day so my back felt good and I felt energized. I ran all of about 15 minutes on the treadmill, before needing to step off. I was beginning to feel a bit of discomfort in my back. I felt heavy. Nothing felt right. No rhythm, no “zone”.
As I stepped off the treadmill, anger and frustration kicked in. I felt like getting on that treadmill did more damage to me mentally than physically. I wanted to cry. I hated the world, I particularly hated the horse and I hated myself for getting on the darn thing in the first place. I was frustrated because I could barely run 15 minutes, when on the very day of the accident, I was at the peak of my fitness after eight long months of solid training. It is hard to explain and many people out there will want to comfort me and say that “it will take time”. The thing is, I don’t want it to take time. I want to get back on the road and run far, just like before. I want to get on my bike and feel that I could cycle to Malaysia and back. I want to swim that 50m pool, following the black line up and down, as though I could go on forever.
My determination to want all of this back is ever present but my body isn’t ready. I think the frustration I feel now is worse than the frustration I felt lying flat on my back in hospital. I know that it will be this period that I will struggle with. I just hope it’s over soon so that I can get back to doing what I love the most.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
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A little each day is all you can do, it will take you time and I can read the frustration you are feeling. They said six months till you are back to your old self, have patience Luv. You dont have much of that I know but it will happen. Love u.
ReplyDeleteAnd for what it is worth I think you should maybe walk on the treadmill. You will be able to do more with less pain. Also gentle muscle building exercises. Six months will pass in a flash and you will be back to you usual fit state. Enjoy New York. Joy
ReplyDeleteI understand your frustration and anger, Kate. I truly do. But try to keep this in the forefront of your thoughts at all times: you have been blessed in that you will, in time, return to full normal. Others never can.
ReplyDeleteAs bad as things are - they could truly always be worse. Perhaps this, and your ability to return to full normal, happened for a reason? A specific reason?
You have a driving need to experience and understand life. And people. All life experiences and all levels of people. I know you'll figure it all out.