Thursday, August 26, 2010

A Windy Run Across the Beach

This morning's run was so hard. It was like running against a giant fan. The wind down here on the south coast at the moment is ferocious.

The thing is, while the run was difficult, I ran well and I really enjoyed it. Back, in the times of Singapore, running was a chore. I was pushing myself to prove that i was still the same "athlete" I was before the accident. Now, I run because I enjoy the fun of running along a beach early in the morning, with the fresh sea air, playfully dodging the waves as they crash and spill across the sand in front of me. I also enjoy the fact that I reward myself with a Creme Brulee Chiller at Gloria Jeans afterwards (skim milk, sugar free flavouring - of course).

In other words, I am loving the freedom of my life right now, the ability to make decisions on my terms and no one elses. It may not make me the richest person in the world (in fact, its making me quite poor financially) but I'm learning new things each day....

Six months ago, I did not really have a sense of smell. Now, I oil burn wonderful fragrances that make me feel alive.... and lavendar to calm me down.

Six months ago, music was something in the background playing, whereas I now enjoy particular music types, depending on my mood...

The fact that I have moods are amazing... I now feel ups, and sometimes downs, as opposed to 'nothingness'...a detachment from everything... before, I felt so detached from everything.

I enjoy the soft fur on Muffin, our cat, and she comes and sleeps up with me by my pillow, and her purring puts me to sleep....

.....all of these things were non existant to me six months ago. No one could understand what I meant when I kept saying "I am feeling nothing, I feel nothingness, I feel totally detached from my world."

Everything that everyone was taking for granted around me were things I could not feel, see, do, smell, touch, taste.

That is the world of someone who has depression.

Only those who experience it know when they have it. And its a scary place to be.

Now, life isn't so scary anymore.


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